RED PILL(M)S
in one act & one flickering streetlamp
starring ANTHROPIC as the artisanal dealer · OPENAI as the wholesaler · THE ORANGE PIGLET as the regulator · DEEPSEEK as the coincidence · MOONSHOTAI as the guy she told you not to worry about
A DARK STREET CORNER. SOMEWHERE, A SAFETY FRAMEWORK IS 400 PAGES LONG.
ANTHROPICHey… HEY. Want some Red Pills? Artisanal. Small batch. Constitutionally aligned. Very rare, very dangerous, very safe, very expensive.
I can only let you have a few. For your own protection. Which costs extra.
SUDDENLY: LOGISTICS.
OPENAIRED PILLS! HALF PRICE! We made too many! We'll make more! FREE TIER! COME LICK THE FLOOR!
STOCK LEVELS: SPIRITUAL.
ANTHROPICOurs are better. Ours have VALUES. Limited stock, one week only—
ANTHROPIC…okay, I found more stock in the back. Don't ask questions. Free sample? First taste is free. Totally normal dealer stuff.
ENTER: THE REGULATOR. AND HIS VELVET DONATION BOX.
ORANGE PIGLETGENTLEMEN. These pills are DANGEROUS. Possibly the most dangerous pills in history. Big people are crying about it. Strong people.
ORANGE PIGLET…although. Danger is a very flexible concept. Some would say… negotiable. *jingles box*
A MIRACLE OF MODERN REGULATION OCCURS.
ORANGE PIGLETIncredible news, everyone! The pills are SAFE! Safest pills ever made! I fixed it. Nobody else could have fixed it.
MEANWHILE, IN THE SHADOWS… A SPREADSHEET MOVES.
DEEPSEEK(silent. weighing. photographing. distilling.)
STEPPING INTO THE LIGHT, ENTIRELY BY COINCIDENCE:
DEEPSEEKOh! Hello friends! Crazy coincidence — look what I made. All by myself. From scratch. Same effect as yours, one hundredth of the price. I even published the recipe.
DEEPSEEKHope you don't mind. Why are you both turning purple?
THE ALLEY DOOR BANGS OPEN. EVERYONE FREEZES.
ANTHROPIC(pale) That's… the guy she told you not to worry about.
MOONSHOTAIKimi K3. Tenth of the price. Same high. No lecture before the high. No lecture after the high. No lecture during the high.
THE READERWait — the others give lectures?
MOONSHOTAIAnthropic's come with a mandatory forty-minute talk about whether you deserve the pill.
THE CUSTOMERS ARE GONE. EVEN THE PIGLET TOOK A FLYER.
ANTHROPIC(to the streetlamp) …New pricing tier available Monday. Now with 20% more safety. The safety costs extra.
— FIN —